i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The air taste purple.
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