I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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