I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
