ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
