we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He better not be in your backpack
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
