good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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