I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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