Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
