She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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