They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
