I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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