I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
