That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
