so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i dont even know how to be here
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
