His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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