i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
