i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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