I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just threw up on my dentist
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
