I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
