I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
