Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
