hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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