Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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