Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
