so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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