Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
