Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
