so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
