ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
