I could make wine with my vomit
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
