I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
