Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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