No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
