she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
