So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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