the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
