We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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