Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
