i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
