Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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