you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
