He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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