wat bout pragnant strippers??
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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