I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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