i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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