she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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