I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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