she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
