Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
