Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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