The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
