i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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