The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
