2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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