I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just cut my nipple shaving
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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