I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
