dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
