one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
not ubering you a puppy
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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