he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Are we still banned from the library?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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