I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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