Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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